Friday, June 17, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Yesterday humble follower got a call on the secure mystic line, there was a holy voice on the other side. Holy voice asked my opinion on the Weiner story. I said Holiness you too?
The conversation went like this:
Holy voice = Holy voice,
Me= humble follower
Me= humble follower
Holy voice: Humble follower what is your opinion on the Weiner story.
Me: Holiness I think it is a very unholy story and we the holy have nothing to do with it.
Holy voice: Nonsense, we the Holy want to know your opinion, consider it to be a surprise test. Your promotion to a higher mystical rank depends on this.
Me: Your Holiness, all hell has broken, the whole republic of 340million is obsessed with the PG rated pictures of the Honorable congressman from the great state of New York.
Holiness, Economy is bad, housing market is crumbling, national debt is escalating, our soldiers are dying on foreign soil and here we are going BANANAS on some silly pictures of some testosterone loaded stupid politician.
Holy voice: You think a young stud congressman sends half naked pictures to young ladies and it is not an issue? Your sanity and your morality seem to be in bad health.
Me: Well your Holiness each night along with our young kids, we sit and watch Wife Swap, Bachelor, Bachelorette and other shows where, good Christians either swap there wives, or like cats and dogs do all kind of stuff that would make Jesus run and crucify himself. But we never ask these shows to be cancelled or the producers to quit their job; rather we all enjoy the shows.
Holy voice: Don’t you dare change the subject.
Me: Half the nation is twittering their bare chests and wieners, that is OK if Weiner does it that is not OK. What a justice.
Holy voice: SO? You have a problem with this?
Me: Your Holiness, are our leaders not from us? Or do we import them from China and India too? If the leaders are not imported and they are from within us or us then they will behave exactly like us.
Holy voice: What does that mean? Don’t try to be philosophical.
Me: Your Holiness, look, if we mix salt in a bowl of water and take a spoonful of that water out whether from the top or from the bottom it will be salty.
Holy voice: What does salt water has to do with Weiner’s immorality?
Me: Holiness, consider our nation as a salt water bowl, every spoonful that comes out will be salty, we can not have spoonful of sweet water out of a salt water bowl.
Holy voice: Again salt water? Are you sitting in the bathroom with your feet in the salt-water footbath?
Me: Holiness let me make it simple, the bowl of our nation is full of Weiners, there is nothing in it except Weiners, how can you expect Saint Paul to come out of this bowl?
Holy voice: Through a miracle, you fool.
Me: Your Holiness look at the bright side, these pictures prove that our leaders are physically fit. Have you seen the chiseled body of Honorable congressman? We should ask that all the congressmen, congresswomen, senators and other public officials twitter their pictures in the Weiner pose to their constituents, to prove they are in good physical shape. Your Holiness a number of those old and sick senators have died recently, causing a lot of complexities.
Holy voice: Excuse me!
Me: Also your Holiness I think these Democrats are bunch of losers. Instead of supporting Weiner, they are asking him to resign. Democrats can get a lot of young female and gay voters to vote for them. All the hunk Senators and congressmen should twitter their locker room pictures to young voters. They should get Senator John Edwards to do the coaching.
Holy voice: This is all absurd; your future in the holy community is in jeopardy. One of the nations leaders is committing immorality and you are supporting him?
Me: Look, your Holiness, we are all human. Accountants, plumbers, doctors, farmers, soldiers and congressmen and congresswomen we all have human needs. Some time we get so busy we do not have time to take care of these needs and get frustrated or as the unholy say, “horny.” When we are “horny” we don’t think from up there but from down there and do stupid things. It just proves we are humans, and prone to making mistakes and deserve forgiveness and sympathy.
Holy voice: I got it humble follower. You have a heck of a dirty mind….
Me: Ok your Holiness, from now on when the new Senators and representatives take oath of office, the Speaker of the house should ask all the congressmen to unscrew their penis and handover to him/her, to be kept in a lockbox for their term. Also zip up and seal vaginas of all female members. And the vice president perform the same ceremony for the senators and Holiness………
Holy voice: Hello! Hello!................hello! ………………….
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Yesterday I went out to do a few errands, (yes we holy people do worldly things too). This is the ironic part of human life, no matter how holy we get, ___ has put certain body parts that need to be taken care off, I know what you dirty minded people are thinking…. I am not saying private parts you perverts, body parts. Any way when I came back, I had a message on the answering machine.
I press the button on the phone, the heavenly voice says “you have one new message, new message”. Lo and behold, there comes Guru’s voice. He did not sound very happy, Guru said, “you are not only spreading false stories of my long vanishing, but have started the Circus without me. How dare you. A few phone calls and emails of yours went unanswered; you assumed I ‘ve gone into vanished state forever. Is this what I taught you? Did you try to contact me through spiritual means? Did you text me on my secure mystical line? You ___ “. (No, no this __ is not for Allah, Bhagwan, God or Yahweh, it is for Jesus’ mode of transport). Ours is a civilized blog with a very high moral level, we will not use words like ass on this holy forum.
It dawned on me while cleaning my room last week, I rolled away my meditation mat, the very mat that I sit on to communicate with ___ (No, this dash is not for Jesus’ mode of transport) and Guru, through secure mystic line. Oh my ___! What a ___ I am.
This isn’t all, now, when Guru opens the Holyman Circus blog page on his holy laptop, it fails to load. Guru is very displeased; he thinks it is all my doing. How do I tell him it is Bill Gates doing, whose windows are flawed like humans, and easily get corrupted. When I asked him to switch to Apple, he got real upset. He replied; “Apple is very Satanic, sinful and evil, it not only got our papa Adam and mama Eve, out of heavens, but also misguided Newton big time”. I am speechless, he is right.
I am very pissed off (excuse my French). Not only is Guru back, he is not very pleased. In my heart of hearts I was thinking Guru is perhaps vanished for good, I will bark in the sunshine of fame and fortune.
I am waiting for his message, so shall you………..
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I wanted the "Holy Guru" to do the inaugural post, but his holiness has vanished as usual. Guru has a habit of going on these strange holy pilgrimages, he simply vanishes in thin air… no warning at all. So doing the inaugural post comes on my shoulders, yes humble follower will do this.
My Guru is a charmer, a seducer, he is a smooth talker, and he spins a web of charm around you. He is like Guru Rajneesh, Rev. Pat Robertson, and Rev. Benny Hinn, all in one. Over the past sixteen or so years since I became Guru's disciple, his humble follower, my life has changed. I have become holy too, obviously less holy than the Guru. I can never be as holy as Guru, if I ever become as holy as His holiness, then I will become the Guru. This cannot happen since I am the humble follower and I am supposed to be his humble follower. Without follower he cannot be Guru. In order for him to be Guru, I have to be his follower and for me to be the humble follower he has to be Guru. Did you get it? No? Silly! We both need each other to be who we are.
__ forbids if I become Guru too then we'll have two Gurus, which is not possible, this is against the laws of Physics. Have you ever seen two Head Rabbis in a Synagogue, two Head Mullahs in a mosque, two Head Priests in a church or for you _less people who have never been to these places, have you ever seen two presidents in the White House?
By now you know, this mystical blog is about life, Guru (when he is not in vanished state) and I will discuss real life issues on this blog. I will tackle the issues with holy humility and humbleness and Guru will do that with holy charm.
We want to be fair to all the people of the world, we do not want to offend any one, we are an ESB (Equal Satisfaction Blog), yes the way Bank of America is Equal Housing Lender.
Since we are ESB, we will not use word "God" in our posts. We do not want to annoy our audience who do not believe in "God", or who think their "God" is different from their neighbor's "God". If we use "Allah", except from members of CIA and FBI, all our Western audience will run away. We thought we could use "Yahweh", but we are afraid we will have anti Semitic graffiti on our blog and Hamas may fire rockets on Holyman Circus. Since Bollywood is so" in" these days, we thought of using "Bhagwan", but that will offend Pakistan and Rev. Pat Robertson.
If we use "Allah, Bhagwan, God and Yahweh" all four, we will offend the minority religions and the __less. Other problem, our posts will be like this: " By "Allah, Bhagwan, God and Yahweh" I was going to write this post but "Allah, Bhagwan, God and Yahweh" had some other plans for me….. You obviously will not like that or will you? Therefore we will use __, you the reader will fill in the blank, with God, Allah, Yahweh, Sun, $, your own name your spouse’s name, your cat, dog or what ever or who ever you worship. If you don't worship anything or anybody just ignore the __.
Well to cut the story short, we can't wait any longer for Guru's return. I will inaugurate the blog. Let the circus begin.